Most heated arguments include levels of anger. Anger comes in two forms which is healthy and unhealthy anger.
Unhealthy anger is when damage or destruction is caused in one form or another and healthy anger is energetic and assertive in order to advance oneself or regain a sense of a loss of control over a situation.
Healthy anger usually helps to assist you to assert yourself over a given situation that requires non violent aggression or extra energy outside of the normal.
A good way of reducing arguing is to talk about your feelings before you even get angry and obviously you need to have these past experiences in order to know that this or that is what will happen if you don’t talk about your feelings.
Talk about feelings and share them with others or the person that you argue with as it can result in receiving positive feedback from the other person and in most cases you may hear something you never thought of such as how you are affecting their feelings and how your or behaviour is upsetting them more than you realised or even intended.
When in a heated debate or argument, try not raise your voice, raising your voice will just make things worse and remember, control is power, power for the right reasons.
Try to channel your anger in a constructive way by verbally venting or sharing your feelings, don’t bottle them up.
Never become insulting or abusive as once the genie is out of the bottle it can never be put back, people never forget the abuse and the torrents of insults you rain down on them in your angry moments.
We all argue especially in relationships as differences of opinion build up over a period of time then sudden conflicts occur.
Don’t use your relationship as a reason to gain control over the other person or over the situation by threatening rejection or abandonment which is very common in couples.
There are better ways to argue or constructively with a greater chance of a positive outcome than the usual hurtful and negative outcomes which in most cases you are guaranteed.
When the person you’re angry with is demonstrating anger with or towards you, it’s usually a stronger way of saying “hey listen to my feelings, they are real and they hurt me, so you’d better listen to them”
A good way of identifying the difference between healthy anger and unhealthy anger is at the end of the situation two people walk away without smashing or breaking inanimate objects or making threats of emotional or physical harm to the other.
Most potential arguments can be avoided or at least reduced by talking about the feelings you both have within you. Once the other person understands how you feel they may come back at you in a different way thus reducing the way you react to them and in turn the way they react to you.
In the heat of the moment counting to 10 just doesn’t work as the whole purpose of anger at that time is usually to hurt the other and an overwhelming surge or rush overrides all logic and reason and your common sense goes out the window and alas emotion wins every time.
Walking away from a situation well before it starts and wisely identifying the triggers that start off in the first place is the key.
Become aware of your feelings and your needs and better set yourself up in the first place to protect yourself, not only from the other person’s words during the arguments but protect yourself from yourself and the harm you cause by winding up the other person who in turn then hurts you back.
Remember when it starts; change that attacking, defensive part of you to an assertive pro-active and positive fighter of the negative in both of you.
In other words use the same energy to produce a different more positive outcome for both of you based on the fact that you will both end this rant in a harmful or hurtful way and if you don’t turn this around now, you never will.
You can use the actual anger to direct the argument to a better place or outcome.
A lot of the arguing contains a perceived sense of attack from the other when in fact if we knew how they were feeling we could be more rational about knowing that it’s coming from their feelings within them of them feeling hurt and or wounded, feelings of vulnerability as opposed to them enjoying their attack back at you. Gaining a better understanding of your anger issues may help to reduce the arguments on the whole.
If you’re arguing with that same person on a regular basis such as with your partner then try laying down your feelings and become vulnerable just this one time and share your inner thoughts with them and they in turn will certainly share a little bit back and this may be enough to make important changes.
Opening up your heart and feelings to some extent before you argue may help. Neither of you can go on repeating the same thing.
Copyright Open College UK Ltd – Please feel free to link to this post. Please do not copy – it’s owned.