Lying

Who doesn’t tell lies?

Is honesty the best policy?

The adage, ‘Lying is wrong’ is not true!

Okay, it’s always best to be honest and true with ourselves because in most cases lies always get found out. Well in most cases they do don’t they? Often that discovery usually brings sore consequences from the lie for all concerned.

Lying is only wrong or bad within certain situations but if you and your loved ones lives depended on the telling of lies then you would lie through your teeth to save your lives, would you not?

Each individual’s circumstance is unique. Lying is always wrong and right and will always be wrong and right at the same time.

Most people do say lying is wrong but as soon as the tables are turned when we need to create a lie, we all lie, we all do it, don’t we?

Does the truth always set people free?

Well, if you’re consumed and ridden with guilt and shame then the truth can set you free sometimes.

If you’re bound by a strict religious order or simple faith you may believe that the best policy is to tell the truth but that wouldn’t be the best policy for others such as a criminal or a thief.

There are many instances where we need to tell lies such as white lies or tiny little fibs to get out of bother. It goes without saying any further, commonsense prevails.

Here are some guides:

Lies and deceit in relationships are never good and often destroy the love and trust between couples. Lies will always create distance, burn bridges and destroy trust and belief in each other that only a few can return from.

Feeding and telling lies are something every one of us has done and do on a daily basis. It’s only natural that we lie for various reasons. Simple white lies right down to sinister dark lies.

Is a lie a lie?

Obviously some lies are unacceptable and will at times lead to serious consequences for both the liar and the people that are being lied to.

Lying is part of everyday life and always has been.

One of my clients came to see me troubled and broken hearted after the breakup of his relationship all because of a lie that he considered was not a lie but a sound justified reason for finding the real truth behind how women really felt about him.

With his permission this case is being told as it became quite amazing. Names have been changed to protect identity and for this reason we will give our client the name of Mr Tycoon. Mr Tycoon named so because of his extraordinary wealth. He is a successful and wealthy businessman worth millions of pounds. He is a millionaire many times over and runs a successful well known UK based company in Birmingham.

For several years Mr Tycoon has searched for the love of his life and has gone from one broken relationship to the next in the belief that all the relationships he entered into were with the wrong kind of woman, he believed this because of his wealth.

By Mr Tycoons own admission he describes himself as a shy and slightly insecure male who needs an emotionally strong female to be there for him on an equal ground and not because of his success.

Mr Tycoons problem centres around attracting the wrong type of female he calls gold diggers who are only interested in one thing and that’s his money.

This is the central problem for him, the attracting of the wrong type of a female who in the eyes of other males may be ideal but not for Mr Tycoon because he believed they are only after his money. Fair comment!

Over 10 years had gone by with several failed relationships; Mr Tycoon concluded that the women who he entered into relationships with were only interested in what they can get out of that relationship financially from him.

He described the type of female that was attracted to him as curvaceous, attractive and glamorous almost only a trophy on his arm.

He realised that having so much wealth was blinding him to what was real and what was not real in the way of relationships and others motives.

He could not meet the right female and started to develop doubt and suspicion as to the sincerity of all the relationships he entered into.

He started to become suspicious and distrusting of the possible motives and agenda of each new partner he dated. He decided enough was enough of being taken for a ride and then joined an exclusive dating agency in search of his ideal female/soul mate.

He made the decision that he would not reveal his true identity regarding his affluence and success.

For want of description he called himself Mr Smith and created a fake profile in order to protect his interests and in that fake profile he stated that he was a self employed builder with three employees and carried out small building jobs, just enough to make ends meet and keep the business afloat.

He emphasised his finances were below average and he had just enough to keep his head above the water and no more. He put away his super car and drove one of his company vans and wore casual dress and removed all his expensive jewellery.

In other words he turned himself into an everyday regular self employed male.

After a few normal dates he met the woman of his dreams who was an employee in a hairdressers and she ticked all his boxes on what he expected in a woman.

His sole purpose on the withholding of his real identity and his wealth including the fact that he’s a multimillionaire was specifically so that he could find a genuine woman who was interested in him mainly because of his personality, his physical presence, his appearance and on what he was and not because of his power or success which he became sick of, especially the dislike he developed towards the women whose eyes lit up with pound signs when they met him.

As far as he was concerned he was not telling any lies, he was just changing his background and making a few adjustments. More than anything else he was withholding his identity and status in order to find that ideal woman based on being a regular working class male from which he originally came from.

After a period of time it was his intention to come clean and reveal the fact that, yes he was a successful multimillionaire and that his sole reason for not declaring this was because he was sick and tired of gold diggers and he wanted to find a woman based on normal things to like about each other and grow and develop which in my opinion was fairly justified and healthy taking into account his past circumstances.

As far as I was concerned his reasons were honourable and sincere and he wasn’t lying, he was just temporarily changing a few things to protect not only his interests to find himself some happiness based on something genuine and not on the above.

His motive was to protect not only his interests but his feelings and emotions so he could find something real without the fake and pretentious goings on from women.

After eleven months of having a wonderful relationship he decided he would explain in detail from the beginning who he really was including his real background.

He also told me that he was planning to buy and set up his girlfriend in her own salon and business as this was her dream.

He took his girlfriend aside and started at the very beginning to explain the story as you’ve just read, as though he was talking about somebody else he knew in this situation and he said if he was a multimillionaire and had multiple failed relationships and in the end he wanted to find a genuine relationship and was forced from various circumstances to withhold his true nature and had done so for all the right reasons would you be offended? He asked her!

Would you be upset? And would you take that personally as an actual lie? And would you understand all this?

He explained in further detail the reasons and that it wasn’t based on deception but more on his insecurity about finding the right relationship and asked again would you be upset and consider it a lie once the story had been fully explained and you then knew all the reasons on why, would you see this has lying? He asked his girlfriend.

She said no as long as it was for those reasons and she agreed that that was in some way acceptable considering the circumstances this particular person had found himself in, so yes she agreed she wouldn’t be upset if that was the case and she wouldn’t see it as a lie.

It was at this point as he was telling this story about this particular other person and then said this other person is actually himself and that he is a multimillionaire with a high status in certain affluent circles and that he never set out to lie to her but to get to a point where he could trust and believe in the sincerity of a real relationship based on just being a normal regular guy and not because he is in some way considered somebody by how well known and wealthy he was.

When it came to the end of his explanation it was at this point she unexpectedly performed a Jekyll and Hyde transformation and turned against him.

She took it personal and accused him of all sorts and that he never trusted her and she wasn’t like all the other women and she would not have been interested in him just because of his money. It was at this point she became very anxious, angry and hurt.

No matter how he explained it and how many times he repeated himself, he couldn’t make her see that he was trying to protect his interests and find the right girl by doing it this way. To cut a very long story short she went nuts over it and one thing led to another and then over the following weeks the relationship fell apart and he left her because she wouldn’t let up on the lie that he had told.

She couldn’t understand or get her head around the fact that for eleven months he had lied to her by living this double hidden life.

In effect all this has done has stirred up her own issues of being lied to and it was then he discovered she has problems with deception and lies herself.

He now has no relationship and is trying to rebuild what is and what isn’t the right path to travel hence my help on the matter.

This situation had left him completely confused and resulted in therapy to help resolve the situation he found himself in.

After several sessions he is now in a much better place and has found a balance point so that the next time he has a relationship he is going to say nothing except that he separates his business and his financial success from prying eyes and that he doesn’t discuss business or money because of the problems it caused him in the past.

We successfully worked on a balance point for him, a happy middle ground was found.

Lies are right for some people and not right for others. What you think is a lie is often seen as acceptable to others. Some will see it as the withholding of the truth of leaving something out but not actually lying as such!

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