Anger Management Tutorial – FAST Results!
Anger is a very powerful emotion or defence mechanism. Its part and parcel of the whole process of protecting yourself or making things happen so that you get your own way or regain the loss of control you may feel when in conflict. ©
This anger management self-help tutorial is for those with serious anger problems where past attempts at logic and reason were futile and doomed to failure.
Ideally, scenarios which produce serious anger should be confronted in a healthy and rational manner with an intention to resolve the issues head on that cause the anger in the first place. Proper mature or planned out communication is the best way forward but for some with volatile anger this is impossible.
This tutorial may be helpful to some and is just another way of defusing the anger in the angry person and taking that person away or out of the angry scenario to safer ground.
This is not an attempt at aversion or avoidance of what really needs to be addressed but specifically applies to those who are regularly finding themselves in helpless and angry situations with no hope.
So you have a problem with anger?
You’re not alone, most people have a problem with anger but the difference is that others deal with it internally and it doesn’t externally show or affect others too much.
There are thousands of self-help ways or top 10 tips in dealing with anger but when it comes to the crunch very few will successfully work for the following reasons.
Here is a general overview of why many ways to stop anger don’t work.
Anger is a very powerful emotion or defence mechanism. Its part and parcel of the whole process of protecting yourself or making things happen so that you get your own way or regain the loss of control you may feel in that situation.
Whichever way you look at it, an angry outburst usually results in you getting of your own way or the regaining of lost control, whether it is real or imagined.
Whatever the situation was that produced your reaction, that situation required that specific type of anger weather it was proportional, justified or not.
When you’re extremely angry, all the techniques in the world won’t work because you needed that anger at that time and trying to stop it at that time is futile, especially when it is at a rage level.
People are often screamed at, threatened, physically hurt, punched, kicked, glassed, knifed or shot dead in the heat of the moment to a name just a few and this all occurs over very little.
People are killed or seriously injured just for looking at someone the wrong way, saying the wrong words or a minor driving altercation.
With this level of anger or rage, how many people could of dealt with it if they had of used or mentally pre-installed one of the many top 10 tips to control their anger’ that are available online?
Very few to NONE!
Otherwise people would do something about it as often the consequences hurt more later on and it’s the consequences of our actions that teach us best!
The reality is that most people with serious anger issues cannot control it or deal with it without professional help.
Overcrowded prisons are testimony to this!
To have someone who is not in that state of anger at that time, tell you to calm down makes it worse, or at best does nothing, especially if it is the person you are angry with.
The nature of the anger or the appearance of it is for it to happen at that time, for it to be there in that scenario that has triggered it off.
By using a self-help technique at that time without any proper deep pre-preparation often won’t work because you are actually telling the anger to go away when you have a very powerful NEED for it to be there.
Irrational and absurd of course as that may sound but never the less you absolutely NEED it at that time.
Have you ever known a sensible problem?
We humans are not only driven by rational, meaningful and logical actions or ‘drives’ to act, we are also driven by irrational, illogical actions and drives also which seemingly makes no sense. BUT, they were perfectly right to do so at that time.
There is healthy anger and there is unhealthy anger. We all know when anger is unhealthy and when it is also required as a force for good or to make change within a situation that requires dominance or an assertive force.
This is the point being made. In the angry situation that has occurred you NEED that anger; no one is saying it’s a good thing, in most cases it’s not.
Most people have experienced serious and dire consequences as a result of their anger at some stage in their life and as a result of those consequences they tend to be able to make changes to the situation so that it does not reoccur, but most can’t and become a victim to the outcome of that rage such as harm to others, prison or lose their job or relationship and so on.
Therefore, it is true to say that for some people; sometimes it has to get worse to get better.
Setting a proven technique up in advance of the anger outburst and visually seeing it working step-by-step is your best route to take without external therapy or professional help.
Just trying a few online top 10 tips to control anger and running over a few tutorials on how best to manage it will go out of the window when it happens. In most cases this will happen as you personally damn know it will.
Depending on your situation or what makes you angry, you will need to prepare and plan a specific ‘state’ that you can go into immediately and instantly so that the next time you get yourself into a mess where you are seething and boiling with anger, you can turn it into something else rapidly, into a more manageable outcome in favour of yourself safely without any delay.
The speed at which anger can appear and then erupt is like a volcano or as lightening, a super fast reflex action that is so fast you do not have time to switch off, change your mind or reconsider the outcome or later consequences.
Anger management tips such as thinking before you speak or counting to10 sounds well but in the heat of the moment will disappear fast and just won’t work.
Whoever invented the count to 10 techniques, like when you’re overcome with an overwhelming emotional need to explode, they are supposed to work?
For some, it is so easy to want to object to this or disagree but when the anger surges for many, all rational calm is lost for those with anger control problems.
What will work?
Apart from undergoing therapy, of all the approaches and techniques available to use at the time of the anger, this one works the best for most.
Follow this path as it is better than the one you’re on!
Reward based walking away!
Walking away from the heated situation before it escalates is sound and a wise move to take but when you’re in the heat of the moment it is very difficult to do so because again you have a powerful NEED for that anger to be discharged and demonstrated in the eyes of others you are angry with at that time.
When an angry situation arises and you decide it is best to walk away to calm down, sometimes walking away will make the DRIVE to be even more argumentative reappear stronger and you may SURGE back into that scenario with an even more assertive way about you thus making things worse.
Walking away didn’t work as it just made you RUSH back.
Most people have done that, tried that, didn’t work!
Therefore the need to walk away has to be advantageous to you, over the need to return and argue or flare up.
The walking away must be done super fast to meet the same super fast anger/emotional appearance, instantly and automatically and has to be of greater value, greater worth or more rewarding than the need you have to engage in the anger or the angry scenario with others etc.
You must train yourself to become instantly vigilant to the rewards you will gain by severing yourself from that anger scenario and walking away automatically without thinking of it.
This can’t be done on the slow boat to China, thinking will stop you. There can be no considering of it all or stalling, it has to be super fast otherwise it will fail. You have to engage in a replacement outcome at the same speed and with the same energy, vigour and gusto or ferocity as you are being overcome with – the SURGE of emotion that leads to your angry discharge!
The walking away action must be super fast, instantaneous and driven towards your reward.
You must develop a drive or motivation toward that reward and away from the anger situation.
Motivation towards a positive gain and motivation away from a negative must be developed.
You cannot set this up in the alert waking state. It has to be done in the drifting sleepy state, that gap between sleep and wake. A deep relaxed state but alert and awake enough to programme yourself to the actions you wish to carry out when the anger scenario arises, therefore visualising the rewards or benefits which override the demands of the anger instead.
You must set this up in advance of any angry scenario.
You have to apply some form of imagery or visualisation, internal statement and prepare it properly in your mind and give yourself some form of reward for walking away at that precise moment.
When the anger comes it will be fast and furious and automatic and remember this word automatic, which is what you’re dealing with now with the installing of your reward.
Once this is set up the switch to it will be fast and automatic.
Part of the anger expression and the anger scenario that you keep finding yourself in revolves around your poor damaged EGO, although you may not want to openly admit it.
This ego of yours needs boosting with similar ego boosting rewards that you actually gain from the angry scenario which may include dominating or verbally hurting the other person, the rewards need to be equally fulfilling and satisfying on these lines or of this selfish absorbing nature.
In other words your rewards need to be as nasty, self aggrandising, stimulating and fulfilling as the anger may be for you if that is what makes you tick, which for most it does.
You do feel really satisfied when you shouted and ranted at the other person didn’t you? You know you did, especially when you scared the life out of them and you felt empowered by your regained power and dominance over them or the situation because they deserved it for the way they made you feel or how they treated you. That’s your justice!
How better can this be put? It is what you feel among other things, is it not when you lose it?
What rewards could you set up to motivate you enough to override the benefits of this really satisfying and or misplaced beneficial anger or its possible selfish outcome?
There are all sorts of benefits that are going to be unique to each individual and no two will be the same, so it would be wise to grab a pen and paper and write down all the rewards you can gain from the actual walking away in the heat of the moment. Make a list of them.
A wise move simply because it could be the start of you addressing your problem before you or another is hurt!
An example of a reward would be to know that you avoided possible serious consequences and how empowered you now feel for being more in control of this difficult situation that has previously ruled you or keeps pulling you down. That feeling of empowerment and control you can now feel after you calm down without reacting to them or their mind games or mistreatment or even their power they are perceived as having over you.
How good will you look for your NEW display of control and coolness for being able to just walk away from conflict.
How do you do it?
In that very powerful angry moment you need to automatically walk away and bring to mind the rewards you have already set up to come into play and as you are walking away you are consciously acknowledging the reasons why you’re walking away. It will work as long as you bring the rewards to mind, you can only experience them if you walk away, while you are walking away.
If you just walk away without having any rewards in place or any benefits to it then you will need to return to the outburst or the anger expression.
Anger can come like a bolt out of the blue and it can be explosive and destructive for all concerned. You know it!
Once you have written down all your rewards you would need to select a few that will be strong enough to motivate you to KEEP walking away. These rewards can only be experienced if you leave the angry scenario.
In order to set this up so that you can bring them to mind when the anger appears, you need to lie down on your bed and deeply relax and you need to go through the list of reasons why you should walk away instantaneously the moment a situation arises and your need to walk away has to be greater than your need to stay and argue or become angry.
In other words you have to replace the anger with the consequences in mind and weigh them up/compare/contrast with the rewards and benefits of walking away and actually experience those rewards and decide and confirm with yourself in the relaxed visualization state that this is what you will do.
This visualisation technique is what most professional public speakers do in advance of their speech or sports people and athletes do prior to a race for a competition.
By seeing it in advance and visualising it happening you are programming yourself for it to happen more automatically when you need it but you have to be in an altered deep relaxed state to do this. You cannot set this up in a normal conscious alert state.
Therefore it is essential that you set this up correctly in the deep relaxed state. Techniques on deep relaxation can be found on the main Open College UK Ltd articles page on this website.
In most cases the choices and decisions we make in the angry state often return to plague us with remorse, guilt or regret or even shame, horror and disbelief that we behaved that way and why we treated such and such a person the way we did.
Make walking away your new power. It might drive others nuts because the mere sign of trouble see you just walking away but your mental, emotional well-being health and safety is more important than how you appear or what they/others think.
To walk away is your new power! Not your anger!
Walking away will then allow you to settle down so you can regain your rational thinking and that is why walking away is so important and must be done straight away. And remember most people can’t walk away!
Remember the Clint Eastwood cowboy films and how he never reacted to anger in the scenes, his POWER was in his silences, stillness and non reactions in the FACE of adversity and then slowly and calmly just walking away.
Did that look like cowardice or fear?
How could you build a super cool image like that? Just by doing it, only you can do this, no one else but you have to set this up in advance and walk to the rewards.
- Walking away allows you to:
- Break away from the situation immediately.
- Allows you to settle and calm down.
- Allows you to regain your rational thinking.
- Allows you a better comeback response.
- Allows you to avoid consequences.
- Allows you to regain self respect.
Walking away must be done instantly, automatically without thinking, you just do it and it diffuses or neutralises the situation or the anger straight away because you have pre programmed yourself to do it and keep going no matter what.
The difference between someone else walking away without preparing this technique like you will be less because they’re walking away from something they need to go back to and do which is have an angry outburst or confrontation where as you’re walking away from it towards the rewards or the benefits and the more you repeat this the stronger it will become.
Anyone can walk away but you need to make the walking away reward-based and beneficial. It all depends on your angle or view point, how you are viewing it in order to do it.
This is one of several anger management approaches we have available on this website.
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