Content Warning / Educational Disclaimer: This article post contains sensitive topics and reflects Open College UK Limited’s opinions for informational purposes only.

When you make any contact with people. It could be companies, organisations or services that you use. You might say it over the phone or quite commonly in an email. Do you find yourself saying I hope you don’t mind me asking or I’m sorry if I’m being stupid or ‘I’m ever so sorry for troubling you’, or ‘taking up your time’, or maybe ‘I’m just having a dim moment’ and self-critical comments of this nature!

Have you ever wondered why you’re doing it?

You may feel that by saying it, it softens the situation you are about to enter. It makes it easier. It takes your clout or authority out of it so you don’t come across wrong, or too heavy, in your imagination of course. Because in reality it’s completely different to how you may feel or think it appears. Feel is the key word though, because you are driven by a feeling around this behaviour!

Here’s the reason behind ‘sorry, I’m stupid’ type comments!

It’s really simple and once you know this, you won’t do it again.

It’s a very powerful, deep rooted and learned protective reflex. You are actually softening yourself up before asking something, just in case you are judged, dismissed or even corrected harshly.

Psychology says that’s usually coming from your past environments, your school, work, teachers, authority figures where maybe you’ve got something wrong, had a social or peer pressure consequence, a laughter, a titter, a dismissal made against you.

In my personal opinion and maybe I’m going one step ahead. I’d say you’re carrying the unmet expectations and the judgments which involve fear of criticism, insult or verbal abuse from others.

You may have been carrying this for decades or all of your life. This is absolutely unnecessary in the real here and now of today.

You absolutely have to stop doing it. You owe it to yourself to stop carrying these criticisms, insults, abuse, laughter or the ridicule or whatever it is of others reactions from the distant past.

You may say, well . . . I have no real recollection of anything like that happening. But yes, I sort of agree, that’s what it is. Both real and imagined are the same.

It’s just like you’re approaching to ask someone something and you’re uncomfortable. You’re about to say or ask such and such, but you’re imagining their reaction because they never reacted that way to you to date. Real and imagined are the same!

The reason you are doing it.

You are pre-empt-ing the situational outcome first. It’s basically, I’ll criticise myself before you get the chance to! There’s also a strong control element within it. By framing yourself as well, I’m probably wrong, you reduce the perceived risk of the effect or the rejection or whatever it is of this fear, of this ilk and if you experience you were right, it feels like a win.

And if they are wrong, it hurts less because you already positioned yourself that way in alignment with the expected insult, mockery, laughter, abuse, criticism or tone of voice!

In fact, it’s even more supple than this. It’s just below the radar!

And that’s why you do it because it hurts less!!!

Sorry if this is a stupid question.

I might be wrong but.

This probably won’t make sense.

I’m happy to be corrected.

Everyone reading this article will recognise this in an instant and you’re not on your own as literally everyone’s has done it to some extent and unless you’re feelingless, couldn’t be bothered, then everyone has done it and it’s universally recognised!

Let’s go deeper!

It’s a pre-emptive defence learned from past negative feedback school, work, authority and so on, in case you are corrected or spoken to about a certain thing in a certain way, with a certain tonality of speech. It reduces the emotional hit if you are correct. And this reduces or even removes the emotional heat.

The following is the bit you will hate!

This will be the reason why you will hate it because you will instinctively know it’s true!

This type of behaviour which you engage in is advertising your strengths and your weaknesses and it’s attracting and repelling people to you on supple, microscopic incremental levels. The more you do it, the more you will attract the negative or the positive, bring people towards you or push people away, by giving out supple micro moves or supple ques which we all connect with on different levels.

And this is the bit you will instinctively agree with. You may not know why, but it will feel right!

It trains other people to see you as less confident and it invites two types of response from differing people. That is supportive people who reassure you, connect with your insecurities. Because, like for like attracts and or predatory people who will dominate or dismiss you. This continued behaviour continues to attract or repel both the things you want and the things you don’t want vice versa, because it slowly reinforces within your belief system this belief itself, which is beneath this behaviour and the damage you are causing to yourself in everyday language usage and communication with others. May that be the workplace or even in the shop, in the streets, in your social circle and so on!

As soon as you do it, whether it be in front of your peers, your friends, even your enemies. Your employer, your manager or your customers. It produces a mixture of warmth versus manipulation doorways. It is definitely something you must learn to stop because each time you do it you are inviting people’s behaviour inside you.

This is just a piece of what people don’t know about themselves in social interactions or just working in the workplace with others and it usually starts in the school classroom or playground decades back!

In many cases, people who do this often assume that the problem is actually you when it is absolutely not you. Because in most cases your question is valid or your inquiry or whatever it is. But there is an intrusion happening at that point. As you approach, you are invaded upon by your inner thought and you do it anyway because it feels right to do it. Feels Right but is wrong! It’s part of how you guard yourself.

This is what to do about it.

Think of the question or the presentation you wish to make to whoever you’re making it to. Think of it in advance and confirm to yourself. I’m not going to say anything but the question without adding any extra softening words. I’m not saying not be nervous. I’m saying don’t allow that to flow into your words.

So just ask the question directly and nothing else and remove the accompanying self-judgement, the pre-emptive readiness and let the response define the quality of your question and the delivery of it, not the fear you’re carrying beforehand about the outcome!

When you are approaching the person in a certain way, be aware it’s not about the question you’re asking. It’s about your need for self-protection as to why you do it!

When you say sorry, I’m being stupid. What you’re actually doing is lowering yourself before the person you’re approaching. And you’re doing it in advance. You are stepping down before anyone else has had the chance to push you there. You may argue and say, well, I know this person does that anyway, they have done it to others and when I’m gentle with my words, they tend to be more respectful back because I see them as someone who needs people to be more respectful to them and my response to that is then that’s their issue activated in them and not in you.

They’re operating on an issue also, but in a more dominant, aggressive or assertive place then you. You may see it has a learnt response from the teachers, the head master, the police, the people on television, your parents when they have demonstrated similar authority or assertiveness or heavy words over you. There’s a sense that while they’re right and I’m wrong because we grow up like that, you don’t have to bow down to another person’s issues which appears to be in disguise of, well, they’re the boss, so it’s their authority. They’re the boss and I have to do what they say. You don’t have to tremble when you approach them with a valid question or you don’t have to acquiesce or submit to their ego. You just take pride that you are delivering a question and you know you are doing it respectfully; you’re not fumbling in like Mr Bean! Because you are real.

Drop these small acts of inner verbal self-defence.

For your reassurance this is not a lack in your intelligence. In reality it’s because your thoughtful, aware and careful, especially in the presence of certain people but why should you? You’re only asking a simple question and you know you are respectful and courteous.

At some point in your past, asking questions carried a consequence or a cost. You may have been laughed at or corrected harshly or made to feel small or slow or dim and the chances are you can’t remember it all. Over a period of time. Your mind learns a simple rule that asking something that is seen as or perceived as by you will be risky. So instead of asking directly, you soften the moment and you add a cushion to gentle the blow in case there is one. What you’re doing is signalling submission before the interaction has even begun!

And habitually this becomes another way of saying I know I might be wrong, I probably am. But please don’t judge me for it. And this is not actually a learned behaviour, it’s more a running in the background, automatic behaviour of self-protection.

There’s also another layer operating with this, in that by criticising yourself first, you are reducing the impact of any external criticism or tone of voice. If someone responds negatively to you, you’ve now taken care of the hurt or the pain in advance. You’ve got yourself into a horrible habit of doing this.

You are actually giving yourself a temporary and futile sense of control that that comes at a cost. Every time you say sorry if I’m being stupid or something similar to that, you’re actually reinforcing the idea that your contribution might not be valid. Over time, this strengthens the view of how others perceive you and again, some people will respond with reassurance and with kindness. They might lift you back up. And others will certainly do the opposite.

In certain roles or environments where confidence is often tested, not directly as such, but the very position you may be in. And this kind of self-positioning can attract interruption, dismissal and manipulation which can fulfil and satisfy other people. When they find someone, they can twist, steer and control. And there are many people like that!

When you approach someone doing all of this, they are signalling uncertainty before they have even spoken or responded. And you might as well be walking around with a banner over your head, because people will, over a period of time read the signals that you’re giving out and behaviour will adjust accordingly to those signals. What comes back to you usually is something you wouldn’t want and most of the time you might not even realise it.

Social scenarios and social dynamics are very sensitive to these signals, the person using these phrases, sorry if I’m being stupid. Often assumes the issue lies within them but really the confusion comes from unclear instructions, poor communication or even simple mistakes made by other people. And in many cases, the question being asked is entirely an absolutely reasonable and valid one. Apologies up front is completely unnecessary but it continues because it feels safe.

Asking a direct question will change this negative pattern and does not require confidence in the usual sense. It just requires recognition of what you’re doing. The next time the phrase begins to form in your mind, just take a breath and notice that you’re doing it again. And remember this article.

It’s just a simple truth showing you what not to do. It’s not a reflection of your worth, your wellness or your intelligence. It comes from past experiences and unmet expectations of others and possibly the consequences you have experienced and felt in the past.

The solution

Just remove it and ask the question as it is and make it clear and direct without any self-judgement attached to it and nothing else is required of this and in most cases. The anxiety or the concern or fear that produced a phrase in the first place will not happen. And even if it did, keep yourself in reality real and not in an old unmet expectation of others that you’re carrying around with you.

It’s the same as carrying someone’s smell around with you from the past. It’s that simple.

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