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Understanding the psychological and social effects from others onto you in undergoing therapy sessions.

In this article I’m going to look at the shame that many people feel, when undertaking therapy sessions for the first time and how social expectation and the perceived or imagined judgments of others have on the person seeking the therapy.

It’s often seen as a sign of weakness to have therapy. But it is actually an act of strength and courage to make change and not suffer your issues any longer.

Anybody criticising, mocking and laughing at someone, jeering them up because that person has undergone therapy says a lot about the person doing the mocking.

What is it actually saying about the person laughing at the person who is undertaking therapy? It’s saying that the person laughing and mocking is concealing and if you know about projection and mirroring then your will see they are advertising their issues to the person who can see!

Lots of people with issues have at some time considered going to therapy or making that first contact. And after the initial exploration online, as to what that will involve and what it’s about. They make a decision, that it sounds like something they would like to give it a try. But many people in strong positions of authority, control, workplace dominance can feel a deep sense of shame, embarrassment or fear of ridicule and judgments when considering therapy, especially if it becomes known.

That shame has less to do with the actual therapy itself and more to do with how they imagine or care about others perception of them. So, think about that for a moment because that really does apply to most people.

We really do care too much about what others think about us. And the stronger authority, delegating, managerial or alpha type roles we hold. Whether that be in social situations, down the pub, in the workplace, at the football stadium, in the community, on the street or wherever it is, then going to therapy in our imagination will tarnish that image. It will put that image under other people’s microscope. And if your role or position is in some way a threat to other people, just in a simple workplace dynamic. Then they will have one up on you, because it’s always perceived by others as if you’re having therapy then you must be weak, you must be scared, you must be unable to cope with or deal with your own day to day living. And then again it always comes back to the perception that you are weak.

If you’re judging, laughing or mocking others only because they’re having therapy and you think or call them weak in one form or another, then you are revealing that about yourself, the energy you put in to criticising others is coming from that very thing within you, which you are concealing.

At the heart of this sense or feeling is a concern. A fear of judgement, a concern about being seen as vulnerable, inadequate or less than.

And this is particularly true in competitive environments where peers and colleagues are often viewed through the eyes of, comparison and contrast on a day-to-day basis and the thought of admitting that you may need help can trigger anxieties about others assessment and competence views on your character and your strong role that you are presenting.

Generally speaking, shame in undertaking therapy sessions is partly rooted in social expectations. From a very young age, many people are conditioned to develop and hold independence, self-reliance including emotional control, to be seen as strong all the time, so when a person in this role or position starts to seek help, they start to fight with themselves and a conflict arises, it can feel like failure that, this strong position they hold is to some extent, fake and pretentious or masking vulnerability. All of this can be compounded in cultures or social situations and circles where mental health struggles are absolutely stigmatised, leaving individuals feeling alone, isolated and even as if they’re doing something socially unacceptable like going to the quack or the shrink. With images of lying down on a couch where a therapist says, tell me the first thing and that comes into your mind and this image is something that most people will never go near because it’s too invasive, too intrusive and leaves you feeling like a fool and these are the sort of views people have, which are incorrect and faulty.

The starting point for this imaginary malarkey is the difficulty in settling with the external scrutiny and the imagined disapproval. It all boils down to a default level of rejection, which every human carries to one extent or another.

Considering and seeking help by a professional in mental health is not as bad as it used to be, but it is still bad for people who hold strong roles where they have built up an image and an ego and this causes conflict internally, one set of thoughts is pulling one way, another set of thoughts is pulling another way.

From a psychology viewpoint, shame is very intimately tied to the perception of being evaluated and judged. And in a therapy related shame scenario, the mind constructs a story in which others are constantly judging and watching and nitpicking you.

Are you the sort of person who within the workplace, you hear a group of people, your colleagues or peers, tittering and giggling and whispering and whilst on the one hand you know it’s got nothing to do with you, you always feel it might be, so you look over. Well, that sort of awareness and concern is an indication of someone who may feel shame, especially if you’re holding a strong position and if you’re maintaining a strong ego image to support that position.

The following is 100 percent fact that these imagined reactions, ones that you have manifested and created in your own imagination are more powerful than any actual real life judgments because they are playing a direct hit on your own insecurities and amplify self-doubts like no one else can see. Only you can do this to yourself. Yes, others can judge and nitpick and criticise, but they can’t be as cruel as you can to yourself because you can see directly inside yourself. Others can only see from the outside and assume they know something!

Welcome to the demon of self-doubt and internalised gaze which will always lead to excessive overthinking and rumination about whether seeking therapy should be followed through.

If the find out, how will people perceive your capabilities, strengths, reliability and character will you drop from grace? Will people respect you less and the answer is often no. People will be harsh, especially if you have affected them. Especially if there is a conflicted hierarchy within your circle, whether that be work or outside work. If you stepped on a few people’s toes because you’re the boss or you’re the manager or you’re the tough person down the pub, then yes, so what’s the answer? The answer is really simple. Keep your mouth closed and be silent and don’t tell anyone.

For others, they don’t think this way and they’ll probably tell several people and it’ll get round and other people will come up to you and say, I’ve heard you’re having therapy. I hope you don’t mind me asking, but is it doing any good for you? Because I’ve got this issue and you’ll be surprised at how much people will open up, simply because people need to talk about how they’re feeling, not on the level they normally reveal. But deeper down on a level that is normally not opened.

When someone hears someone, they know is having therapy and they’ve got a smile on their face and maybe they want to taste it as well. They’ll put the feelers out and ask you a few questions. And it’s the ones who ask about how you’re doing in that therapy is usually to find out if it’s something worth taking themselves because good therapy does make, changes in people’s lives.

What is projection?

In a nutshell, projection is another factor that always contributes to shame, especially in taking up therapy.

In this sense, sometimes the shame you may feel reflects the unspoken judgments or insecurities of other people or past deeds, as you may assume that if you obtain or seek therapy, people will see you as weak and fragile because they themselves also fear vulnerability or exposure or their view on getting emotional support from another professional is confirmation of absolute weakness.

But your shame or a person’s shame is a direct mirror for the expectations and biases projected onto yourself by your own social environment. And it is easy to internalise these projected standards. They are only projected and the belief that the seeking of a therapy or assistance from a professional makes you less than what your perception of society holds or values.

The social element or aspect of the shame also intersects with your status and competition with others in the workplace or social groups where there is a tribal hierarchy, self-image and performance at play to show strength matters. And in a way, admitting that you are seeking help can feel like lowering your position or giving others power over you and if the situation warrants it, they will take that advantage.

You may also fear gossip and supple microscopic exclusion or a diminishing in respect for you. And this fear is compounded if you’re already in a place or a setting where you feel under scrutiny because of your work role or standard or performance requires it. Where colleagues may or will judge every move or interpret any vulnerability as weakness. And that usually falls into the category of mental health or mental illness which are words that scare people, as they don’t want to be associated to them especially in their social circle.

Survival is at the heart of it and survival in a social setting or social landscape that you perceive as unforgiving must be guarded at all costs. In your imagination of course!

This shame also internally triggers self-criticism. And some people do self-criticism really well and it can run for hours all day long every day and you may blast and chastise yourself for needing that support, because you don’t want it, but you know you need it, but you don’t want it. So around in circles you go thinking that you should be able to handle everything independently, like you always have and you are no longer like you used to be. And this internal dialogue exacerbates guilt and anxiety, which can be almost as intense as the imagined judgments of others and you feel trapped in this circle of inner negative thinking.

And for many, this leaves people feeling completely trapped and reluctant to reach out to a professional for help, even though they know and have heard that therapy could benefit them significantly.

But their self-image and continued position, whatever that may be must be upheld at all times. All of this happens because of that horrible little word called shame and we’ve turned our mind into a spinning generating worry machine to make sure this doesn’t happen to us!

Understanding the roots of this is important. And by reframing this whole view of therapy as a proactive, powerful, constructive, courageous, strong step to strengthen your resilience and improve the skills and abilities. An image that you already have can accelerate your mental health in the positive rather than what I’ve just explained. Also, to learn coping strategies to reduce the weight of this imagined judgement. Because it’s always imagined judgement at the centre of shame.

Instead of torturing yourself with this self-criticism, start learning how to value your own growth and development and well-being for your own mental health and becoming more sincere and authentic in how you move forward. In taking care of yourself and what matters to you and dropping what others think by discreetly and privately undertaking proper adequate research into taking the steps and entering into therapy treatment or whatever works for you.

Doing it skilfully and privately, without having to say anything to anyone and if you’re this type of person, then all you have to do is do it privately without letting anyone know. And they’ll wonder why you’ve got this new smile on your face, because you’re the one sorting yourself out. You can do this!!!

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